Do you remember the last time you really enjoyed your own company?
Do you remember when you were alone but did not feel lonely?
Do you remember when you ate what you really wanted to eat without criticizing or judging yourself?
Do you remember the last time you patted yourself on the back and said: "My Goodness, I can do anything after what just happened"?
Did you have time today to look at yourself in the mirror and appreciate the woman you have become?
I don't know about you, but I had to learn to accept and love myself in order to be in peace with the woman I am. I am not perfect, and I don't care. I still need to say that to myself every day. Self-love takes time and self-esteem is built each day with a lot of hard work. Everyone goes through ups and downs. Falling is part of life, but getting up and starting over are the things that make you who you are. I have no idea how many bottoms I have hit throughout my life, how many times I faked being happy and how many drinks I had just to forget what I was going through at that moment. I cannot remember how many stupid things I did just to prove to myself that I could, how many times I thought I failed and how many times I had to push myself to pick up the pieces and start over. "Get back on track, you can do it", that is the sentence I have been repeating to myself over the last eleven years. I learned it the hard way. I went through a lot of therapy, many online courses, many unimaginable things and a lot of crying. I learned to love myself with and without medication because in my case, the medication was just making me fake more and I couldn't live with myself that way. I couldn't fake it anymore. I wanted to be happy with all my heart and soul, just REALLY HAPPY!
Sometimes, I need to look at myself in the mirror and repeat again and again: "You are beautiful just the way you are". Somedays I need to let go of social media, turn off the TV, and throw away those magazines showing women who are not real. Somedays I just need to look at myself, over and over again to feel beautiful the way I am. I cannot lose "my track", I have a daughter, she needs to believe she is beautiful, and I have to model it for her every day. So, I learned in these eleven years to be a mother and a woman, to feel comfortable with being sexy and with my body. I try each day to take care of myself, to love my body more, to spend time with my daughter putting face masks on, doing our nails, having girls' time and I let her see me looking at myself in the mirror and repeating: "I am beautiful and I can do anything!"
I felt lost when I got married, I got lost again when I became a mother. I got lost deciding if I wanted to go back to work or if I wanted to raise my kids my way. I got lost when I saw my kids going through day care centers, crying, having bad times and I blamed myself not once, but many times. I got lost again listening to so many people and not listening to my heart. I got lost when I thought I was not good enough and I got lost when I got divorced. I got lost so many times that researchers would be amazed by the woman I became after all that. I have been against all odds and still I am here. "Still I rise!" (Maya Angelou).
I learned that I need myself the most. Everything else will come and go, but I need to be in peace with myself. Remember the airplane instruction: first you need to put on your mask, then you help your kids or somebody else. I learned that I need peace and quiet. I need to be alone to think and that is not lonely. Loneliness is when you are surrounded by people and lose yourself. Loneliness is when you have people by your side, but you cannot listen to your heart. Loneliness is when you get lost in the middle of your life and don't know who you are. Loneliness is to be in a relationship and not feel part of that life.
Because I know who I am now, nothing can defeat me. Because I know who I am, I can fight for what I want. Because I know who I want to be, I feel free. It took me a while to figure out and to accept my flaws, my defects and my needs. Now? I teach my kids every day that we are invincible being who we are.
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